Desires to soar Desires to Fall
by feathered moon wings
Summary: Flying away from Scarif is one thing. Trying to survive the trip is another thing entirely. Cassian Andor slips away from reality as his friends worry about the fact that he might not make it. The Captain is not too concerned about that, in fact, he's rather happy with the turn of events. He really does like the feeling of falling, sorry, I mean flying. (Everyones here but k-2)


**Abril:** **Second (third one really, but the second never got published) of the Lyric Challenge I'm doing with** **Shadow-ying.**

 **It consists on sending the other a paragraph (or two) of a song for them to make in the span of 24 hours a story about anything inspired by the lyrics.**

 **Warning, don't be too confused, there's a lot of random thoughts and abstract thinking in this story, part of all the blood loss and delirium of a good hit in the head ;)**

* * *

 **Challenge:**

 **What have you done**

 **That no one knows?**

 **Your guilty conscience**

 **Behind closed doors**

 **A distant shadow**

 **A vacant hall**

 **Lose your grip**

 **Can't break your fall**

 **Dreaming your confession**

 **You float all away**

 **Drown in your obsession**

\- What are you afraid off- By Empathetic

* * *

 _I feel myself in the vastness of space, but my feet are grounded._

 _Then they are not._

 _I'm levitating, up into the sky._

 _I am free for a moment, out of my cage._

 _I feel myself soring._

 _It's a wonderful feeling that makes me smile like a child._

 _I'm flying._

 _And then… and then I am falling._

 _I fall down, down; fast and hard._

 _And it's not open space anymore, because I can see the ground rushing to meat me._

 _And I know I will die upon impact._

 _It's such a wonderful feeling to fly. Even when one is flying towards the hard, solid ground._

 _That's it._

 _Perhaps I'm not falling. Perhaps, I'm just flying towards the ground by my own will._

 _Yes. That makes more sense._

* * *

Cassian wakes up with a start and a gasp that tears trough his body in violent waves filled with so much pain. Over him the concerned faces of Chirrut and Jyn are hovering and he is confused for a moment.

"Why am I not falling?" He asks his new found friends. Jyn's worried frown deepens and she shouts to someone.

"Bodhi! How much far from the base are we?!"

"I-I still can't calculate it. The whole system's fluxin, I'm trying to f-fix it." Answers a voice far away or so it seems to Cassian, who realises idly that if the are in a shuttle there's nothing like faraway.

"Why am I not falling?" He asks again, it seems quite important to get his point trough so he articulates clear and steady. Though not really.

"You were never falling Captain." Chirrut tries to assure him with a crooked smile. Cassian could tell it's fake one a mile away and the fact that the Guardian is doing such a poor job at it makes him frown.

"I…" Perhaps he needed to phrase his though differently, he did feel like his insides were trying to crawl out from his mouth so it could be his fault; pain did that to a person. "I was flying towards the ground, yes?"

Jyn is busy shouting at Bodhi and Baze as they argue about non important matters but Chirrut looks at him, with wide, unseeing eyes.

"I understand." The monk says after a moment, eyes sad.

Cassian smiles sudden and openly, the delirium getting the best of him. It makes him so happy to have someone understand. It seems awfully important that he gets his message thru and someone has finally got it. It makes him glad.

"I think I did it on purpose. But I'm not sure." He finishes, his voice even fainter than before.

"Stay with me, Cassian." Pleads the blind man and it occurs to the Captain that it's the first time the Guardian has called him by his name. He cannot ponder upon these thoughts a moment more, he feel's again how his grounded body start's levitating again. He doesn't know if that's something good or bad.

* * *

 _I'm levitating, up into the sky._

 _I'm soring._

 _I'm flying._

 _I can see everything up here._

 _It's beautiful…_

* * *

Chirrut thinks he feel's Cassian smile as he fades from consciousness.

"We have to hurry." He says softly. "It seams the Captain might not be with us much longer."

The admission makes both Jyn and Bodhi look terrified for a second. It makes them gather their wits so they can solve at least some of the many problems they have like civilised people. As they discuss the journey and the failing machinery, more quietly now, Baze comes to Chirrut and sits beside him.

"What is on your mind?" The low rumble of Baze reverberates trough Chirrut comfortingly.

"I don't believe he quite wants to stay in this world with us." Chirrut answers, worried eyes directed at the metal wall.

"Is it bad?"

"Verry." Confirms the monk as he lowers his head and begins to pray quietly. " _I am one with the force and the force is with me. I am one with the force and the force is with me._ "

Baze doesn't join, but he lowers his head and settles beside the other guardian in silence. As his voice was a confor to Chirrut, so is his to Baze.

* * *

Captain Cassian Andor knows himself very well.

He knows he is like a shadow. A flimsy thing.

He disappears in plain sight; blending into the background like a dirty, little wallflower with sharp edges.

And then he's not.

He is present. Solidifying if he wants to. Like a tree that has fallen in the middle of the road, impossible to ignore, big and strong and so very beautiful even in defeat.

He knows he has done wrong and it weights on him heavily. It drowns him sometimes and it feels as if he might never be able to take a full breath again. Constantly living in a state just before death; unable to take a breath, unable to let go of life.

Captan Andor knows he has done terrible things and that he will, in the future, if he survives whatever it's happening to him, do them again. It's a terrible thought that feels like falling of a ledge, like losing his grip –Cassian feels like that thought is familiar, has he fallen somehow already?

He doesn't know how to stop being who he is. It's a terrible thought and it makes him sick, but just for a moment. There's no space for that sort of thing in the field.

He wishes he could change. Or at the very least that is he let himself feel the loses his heart would brake a little –it stopped doing that such a long time ago.

He caries so many, many secrets, they sometimes blur with things that are no until, in the end, everything about him is just one big, inaccessible secre.

Cassian think, perhaps, some of the weight he caries could've been released if he had gotten to know better these mismatched puzzle pieces he would've liked to call friends.

It's to late now. He is flying downwards and he wont stop now.

* * *

 _I think I'm dreaming._

 _It feels like it at least._

 _That sensation of falling and never hittingbottom._

 _Dreaming it's a wonderful thing, of course when it's not filled with nightmares, but it IS something wonderful. I always enjoy it so much. Perhaps if I hadn't lived in such times as I do now, ones so filled with battle and loss and pain, I would have be a wonderful dreamer. I would dream such things like no other. And maybe, I would be driven to make them true as I awaken from sleep._

…

 _Am I falling?_

 _No. I'm flying, downwards._

 _Yes, that's right. More like it and more likely._

 _The sky is beautiful. I can see so many shades of it as I rush down. And the sand by the sea._

 _It's very beautiful._

"He's not breathing!"

 _Hu? What's that?_

"He's not breathing what do I do?!"

 _There is so much concern in that voice._

"Is he dead?"

 _It's a quite voice now, but frightened still. Who are these people. Why are they speaking so much and all at once?_

"Cassian?"

 _Oh… that's my name right? It is. I think I like it._

 _The ground. I'm still flying towards it. Rushing down. It's so close now. My heart beats with anticipation._

 _But… no, not flying, falling. Why am I falling down?_

"Please don't die Cassian. We need you."

 _Who could ever need me. Why am I crying?_

 _I don't think nobody could need me. I'm an important asset but I'm still replaceable._

 _They'll be fin without me._

"Please Cassian."

"Captan."

"Cassian…"

 _I'm sorry, I don't know how to stop falling. I'm sorry, I'm sorry-so-so-sorry._

"Please don't go."

 _I…_

 _I don't want to go. I want to stay._

 _I'm sure if I wanted to, I could still fly. If I tried hard enough. Maybe…_

 _The beach and the sea… they are very beautiful from up here._

Cassian wakes up again, with a start and with a gasp; just like a new-born babe.

"Cassian!" Strong and lit arms wrap around him with furious fondness.

All the confused revel captain can see is a mop of brown hair and three men peering at them above him, and for a moment, he has a hard time comprehending what is going on.

"Did… I miss something?" He asks, voice raspy and accent thick with heavy tiredness.

There is relived laughter from above and beside him. Makes him feel warm with a feeling he can't quite place.

"Your death maybe?" Asks Jyn as she lest him go finally, aware that the man it's very injured and her squeezing the life out of him will not help.

"Oh, so nothing important." He tries with a smile.

There's a lightness in the air, as if the mismatching group of rebels can finally breath.

"Well, I wouldn't say not nothing important." Bodhi says with his nervous energy at rest for the moment. "But we were a bit concerned about you suddenly going stiff, yeah."

"Welcome back Captain." Chirrut says with a smile and Baze nods at his side mirroring his smile.

"I thought it was Cassian now?" The intelligence rebel asks with a smirk.

"Cassina." Corrects the monk, gently patting the other's shoulder.

With this strange group of people, it feels like his words resonate back to him.

It feels like home. Like flying upwards and soaring for a moment out of his cage.

Cassian smiles and closes his eyes, content in the thought that hell be safe when he wakes up, surrounded by home.

* * *

 **Abril: I honestly don't know what I'm writing any more! Gosh, it sounds like it could be interesting if I had given it more time buuuuut alas, Challenge rules. I do apologise for any grammar or spelling mistakes I may have. Didn't have any time to ask my beta to give it a look, but I do hope you enjoyed it as much as I did writing it :)**

 **Shout out to my good friend Shadow-ying for sharing this challenge with me every once in a while, it's always fun ;)**


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